Great shot from van Nistelrooy a Leeds player.  Any doubts that the target was actually Robbie Savage though?

Credit to Keown for taking it in stride.  The same cannot be said for Harry Redknapp or Phyllis.

I dare you.

“Take your seaside arms and write the next line/ Oh, I want the truth to be known.”  So sang the immortal Tony Hadley in Spandau Ballet’s classic “True.”  Although there’s certain irony in this lyric, present in the fact that most people have no idea about the meaning behind the “seaside arms” lyric (HINT: it’s about Lolita), it resonates with me.  Just get on with it and throw the truth out there.

That’s pretty much what everyone wanted to yell at UEFA who delayed the draw of EURO 2012 by an hour so they could inhale their own smugness.  Look, I’m a nostalgic.  I’m all for botox-like injections of pomp and circumstance at every avenue possible, but when you’re waiting for the draw of a major tournament, sometimes you just gotta get on with it.  Take your damn seaside arms and deliver us the future.  Heeding my own (and Mr. Hadley’s) advice, I’ll just cut to the chase and throw my instant reactions to the EURO 2012 draw out there.  In no particular order, here are 21 thoughts as follows.

*****

… I don’t care what he does or looks like the rest of his life, I will always be intrigued to watch Zinedine Zidane do anything.  Drawing plastic balls pretty much fits that description.

… Group A might be the weakest group I’ve ever seen in a EURO/WC.  (Group G in WC 2006 was relatively weak, but really this type of gash hasn’t been witnessed since Group A of WC 1994– with apologies to Hagi).  Poland-Greece isn’t exactly the marquee opener everyone was awaiting.  Russia and Czech Republic are shadows of their former selves as well, unfortunately.

… Which brings us to my rant for the day.  I don’t care what the alleged purists say, the World Cup is more difficult to win than the Euros.  First of all, the Euros don’t have Argentina, Brazil, or Uruguay.  That’s 7 World Cup winning teams (out of 19 World Cups) that you aren’t watching compete.  Also, the Euros have only half the field.  That’s one more round to slip up in or run into another giant in the World Cup.  Sure, some weaker teams from Asia/Africa/America slip in, but they don’t always roll over like they’re supposed to, do they, Italy? (WARNING: Limp Bizkit is featured in the video).

… Texted my friend Toubs about Russia.  I told him he had to love that draw.  He agreed, but mentioned how much pressure it puts on them to progress.  Noted.  I also just checked out the Russian squad, and given the form of Arshavin and Pavlyuchenko it’s some surprisingly smelly poop.  Look, I’m not advocating a return to the Soviet Union, but if you could borrow a few players from neighboring states, well…

… Bert van Marwijk makes me flat out uncomfortable.  I don’t want to speculate, but I’m almost positive he’s some sort pervert.  (Look at the above photo and disagree at your own peril).

…  Group B features Netherlands, Germany, Portugal, and Denmark.  Forget my rant about the World Cup being harder.  It’s destroyed.  Done.

… Seriously, what a group!  Every game is a must watch.  All 4 are legitimate contenders, it’s kinda sad that two of them won’t be playing after 8 days.  I’m still speechless at this Group of Death.  Give me a minute to digest Group B, then I’ll get back to you.

… I hope we get Roberto Martinez as a pundit like we did for the World Cup.  He’s a pretty intelligent and articulate analyst, and his managerial stewardship deserves more wins than it currently has.  If Wigan go down, it could actually be a blessing for his career.

…  Okay, Group C is a bit more normal.  Spain, Italy, Ireland, and Croatia.  Some good storylines here.  Giovanni Trapattoni dominates the attention with a major test against his birth country.  They aren’t flashy, but Ireland have been formidable in Euro qualifying as they were in 2010 WC qualifying.  (Don’t look now, but should they progress, a possible rematch with France looms).  In theory Spain should cruise to the top spot, although it’s worth repeating they lost their World Cup opener 2 years ago.  Italy will want revenge on the Spanish after their 2008 defeat in a shootout.  Croatia are the only team without something to prove/avenge, which puts them in a quasi-comfortable position to progress.  That and Luka Modric.

Hello World

… I’d love to see David Silva given a chance to do for Spain what he’s done for Man City these last two years.  Especially because while nobody’s talking about it, the drop-off in form of both David Villa and Fernando Torres is a major blow to Spain.  If Fernando Llorente is your only striker operating on all cylinders, you can’t be the favorite to win EURO 2012.  Also, after winning EURO 2008 and World Cup 2010, there has to be some complacency setting in.  Ask France in 2002 about that.

… Fabio says Mario Balotelli will be the one to lead Italy to Euro glory.  Instantly, I hate Italy’s chances, but feel so compelled to watch all their matches.

… Okay, I’ve calmed down somewhat.  Back to Group B.  I feel like every time Holland plays Germany, they must recall the 1974 World Cup Final.  (Many people considered the Dutch Total Football to be possibly the greatest of all time, and their opening goal before a German could even touch the ball appeared to cement that notion.  Alas, 2 German goals secured the Cup and proved a preemptive death knell for Cruyff’s Total Football, as we know now in hindsight).  Van Basten’s smirk at the EURO 2012 draw, remembering his winner against Germany in EURO 88 en route to being crowned champion, seemed to indicate otherwise.  But I know the Dutch still have to lament the iconic failure against the Germans in 1974.  I do.

… How many times do Portugal and Denmark need to play each other?   It just seems incestuous at this point.

… Despite all this Group B drama, I still think Germany should be favorites to win the whole tournament.  Gotze is ready for his international coming out party; Neuer has proven the rightful successor of Oliver Kahn (finally);  if anything, Ozil’s time at Real Madrid has made him underrated again; and Mario Gomez has been surprisingly sharp for Bayern this season.  Keep that going with the regular stalwarts (get healthy, Schweini) and you have the team to beat right there.

… One little tidbit I might be the only one closely watching in Group B: the development of Christian Eriksen.  The Danish midfielder (now 19) was the youngest player at WC 2010, and has recently been named Danish Player of the Year.  If Denmark somehow escape the group, he’ll be the favorite for the nonexistent Young Player of the Tournament award.

… Hands up if you remember Portugal-Holland from World Cup 2006.  Yes.  Yes.  YES.

…  Group D, the last group: Ukraine, England, France, and Sweden.  The little bowl of porridge was juuuuust right.  Ukraine, as hosts, have that going in their favor.   That’s about it.  England should waltz into the quarterfinals; even their usual intrusive media coverage can’t screw this cakewalk up for Three Lions.  Sweden probably isn’t deep enough to progress, although Ibrahimovic seems to score one belter every Euro.  Like this.  Or this.  Oh yeah, and France.  We can only hope for the self destruction we saw in South Africa, but they’ll likely eek out of the group.  Don’t look now but Benzema is starting to live up to the hype from his Ligue 1 days.

… How many times do England and Sweden need to play each other?  And who is Sven rooting for?  Does anyone even care?

… Perhaps the most relieved person to see the Group D draw was Fabio Capello.  With an easy route to the quarters established, he can comfortably afford to include Wayne Rooney in his squad.  If Capello brought the 3-match suspended striker, and England failed to progress, you best believe the Italian would be Veal Milanese in the press.  Friday’s draw made his decision for him.

… A lot can happen from now until the summer, but let’s look at a few potential matchups in the quarterfinals.  Whoever comes from Group A will probably have a short tournament, with meetings against the Group B representatives established.  Poland-Germany would be a nice tie, because

1. Germany will no doubt have an excellent team.
2. Poland is a home nation with solid support.
3. That whole, uh, World War II thing.  Awkward.

Or, Greece-Portugal.  A rematch of the 2004 Final– the one where Ronaldo simply could not stop crying.  Holland v Czech Republic could also be a sizzling replay of my favorite match of all time.  The Czechs beating the Netherlands 3-2 in EURO 2004 is the only time I will ever bust out a VHS tape without shame.  As for the Group C and Group D tangles, the only matchup that immediately strikes me is the aforementioned possibility of Ireland-France.  I suppose Ireland-England would also carry heavy significance for the Islanders.  Italy-France would feature a rematch of fallen giants, the 2006 World Cup Finalists.  Wow, the more I look at it, if you win Group D you’re probably in the semifinals before you know it.  Which brings us to my last “thought.”

... Finally, let’s talk about the betting.  Here we go, here we go!  All the odds are as of today, via oddschecker (to find the most favorable).

• To Win it All.  First and foremost, I think you have to hedge any other bets by putting some cash on Germany at 7/2.  They’re so due to win a major tournament, and they rarely exit in the group stage (which is probably their biggest challenge).  You could also throw in Spain at 5/2, but as of writing I don’t see them repeating.  Your call.  England at 10/1 is enticing given the direct path from Group D.  Portugal at 25/1 is very intriguing; it’s simply the best return you can get on a team with a legit chance of winning the tournament.  Somewhat surprisingly, Denmark is the longest shot to win EURO 2012, at 125/1.  Behold the power of Group B.
• Golden Boot.  I hate David Villa at 7/1, currently the favorite in Vegas.  As discussed, he’s starting to show some age.  Mario Gomez, the co-favorite at the same odds, I feel much better about.  You know I don’t think he’s very skilled, but on form he’s exceptional at punishing teams.  Traditionally, 4 goals is usually good enough to win the G.B. at the Euros, and most of them come in the group stages against inferior opposition.  The fact that Group B is so tough is the only reason I’m not all-in on Gomez.  Van Persie at 10-1?  I love that.  If he’s healthy, I actually like him to net a hat-trick against the Danes.  Thomas Muller at 20/1 also has my attention, as does Balotelli at 24/1, Benzema at 25/1, Sturridge at 33/1, and Iniesta at 99/1.
• Others.  Come on.  I have to leave something for my official summer preview.
  

*****

EURO 2012, I can hardly wait.  I know this much is true.

204 goals in 6 years with the Barca first team. (Yes, his latest strikes against Bilbao and Zaragoza are absent from the above vid).  Not bad for a 24-year-old punk.

Not to detract from All Things Lionel, but the Maradona parallels in the video are absurd.  Leading Argentina to a World Cup in 2014 will definitely force him in “that conversation” with the mopheaded one and Mr. Arantes do Nascimento.  Statistically, he’s there already.  Club career?  On point.  Frankly, I don’t have the time nor the energy to list all of his individual accomplishment (or Barcelona’s).  Watch the damn video; then realize it doesn’t show a single of his 84 assists, or innumerable flashes or sheer open-field brilliance.  Now you begin to understand.

Personally, Messi signifies something else for me.   Years from now when someone asks who was the most entertaining player I’ve ever seen, I’ll happily show a picture of Ronaldinho’s bucktooth grin.  The most intelligent?  Zizou.  Favorite?  Gerrard.  Classiest?  Maldini.  No, if Messi continues on his path he’ll simply be the best… ever.  Messi is on the verge of something Olympian; he’s inching ever closer to touching marks of perfection.  And he’s totally smashing my Vice City Theorem to dust!

The Vice City Theorem is as succinct as it is powerful.  Like a Cruyff turn, if you blink, you might miss it.  Ready?  It postulates:

Civilization peaked with Grand Theft Auto: Vice City; therefore, it’s impossible for anything occurring before or after its time to be superior.

There it is.  Years of acute analysis, patience, and nostalgia balled up into a hackey sack of cultural philosophy.  First released in October 2002, Vice City defined the gaming industry for approximately the next 3 years.  While the open world gameplay and indulgent style of GTA 3 made it a breakthrough, it didn’t ignite every male between ages 10-90 the way Vice City did.  Some combination of the soundtrack, the ridiculous storylines, and Lance Vance titillated gamers in a way that never grew boring or predictable.  Every Scarface fantasy (minus an emaciated Michelle Pfeiffer) came true with the Miami underworld at our fingertips .  Vice City was not only the game everyone wanted to play (certainly one of the greatest ever), but arguably the pinnacle of contemporary society.  Digest this.

In the Vice City Era we had: the capture of Saddam Hussein, the high water mark and beginning of the end for the stock market/housing bubble/job market/economy, the DC snipers (mental), the Homeland Security Act (ipso facto Jack Bauer), SARS, the completion of the Human Genome Project, Martha Stewart jailed for murder insider trading, the launch of 4chan, Schwarzenegger elected, waterboarding (come on), the Friends finale, the Malice at the Palace, Kim Jong-il going nuclear, and papal succession.  (Billy Joel would be proud).

More importantly, we witnessed: France get embarrassed in the 2002 World Cup, the Galacticos, R10, Greece winning Euro2004, the rise of Jose Mourinho, and the greatest comeback in sports history (see below).

And what have we gotten since the end of the Vice City Era?  Justin Bieber, Dubstep, Nyan Cat, Kardashians everywhere, increasingly bizarre Disney shows, Twilight, and Gary Neville as a pundit.  That’s about it.  Sure, we’ve got a Balotelli here or there, but for every Mario B. there were a dozen Higuitas or Jimmy Bullards in the Vice City Era.

Ugh.  This only sustains my belief that the world peaked some 8 years and everything has been in a steady free fall ever since.  All the data appears to confirm the validity of the Vice City Theorem.  Anecdotal and empirical evidence to the contrary always fell short.  Well, that was true until Leo Messi came along.  The record smasher, the whobanger, the mini mulleteer, the man with the golden left foot– made his debut for the Barcelona first team almost exactly 8 years ago.  (How’s that for irony, Alanis?).  And Messi has been getting closer to becoming “The Greatest” ever since, even better than Grand Theft Auto: Vice City; and he’s making the impossible… quite possible.

You be the judge!

In the absence of Tevez, one can only hope that Balotelli does something completely mental.

Tags: Manchester Derby

Except they didn’t.

Somehow, everyone involved in their national program– directors, coaches, players, and even the fans– failed to realize that a home draw against Sierra Leone would NOT earn them qualification to AFCON.  When you play for 0-0, you never win, right?

Dance it up, South Africa.  At least there’s always the rugby.  Wait.

Not quite as riveting as the Ronaldo special, but I stumbled across a couple documentaries on Zlatan Ibrahimovic from yesteryear.  The first takes a look at his final season at Malmo as they struggled for promotion and he his big money move.  The second examines his life at Inter as he reflects on his superstardom.  It’s pretty interesting to see the change in his personality as a young, cocky firestarter to a more mature, cocky firestarter (with a few extra goals to his name).

Check them out after the jump if you’re so inclined.  Only then will you be permitted to mock his current samurai haircut.

Read the rest of this entry »

I’m not ashamed to proclaim my love for the movie The Rock.  It’s incredibly cheesy, predictable, and Cage-y– but that’s why it’s so great.  Every scene has a handful of quotes you can whip out with your buddies at inappropriate times.  (That’s actually a false statement, every time is appropriate for Caging, as it shall henceforth be known).  It follows in a fine, underappreciated tradition in film of  blatantly trumpeting a San Francisco setting.  (The very fact that you’re now associating The Rock with Dirty Harry and Bullit is probably more than enough praise).  Sean Connery slaps a ton of people, and I’m not talking about the open-handed kind he reserves for double X chromosomes (isn’t that technically gender equality?).

My only beef with The Rock is the ending.  Not only do Cage and Connery avert a terrorist attack and reclaim Alcatraz (uh, spoiler alert?), but Cage is able to cover Connery’s tracks without any resistance as he escapes into the free world…  To reunite with his never before seen daughter…  While Cage is able to become a father.  Whoa, that’s a lot of “happy ending“-ness right there.  But I could live with that.  What I can’t digest was how the producers decided that wasn’t enough, and gave us one more Easter Egg with Cage discovering who really killed JFK.

Stop. Wait.  Really?  Yup.  See, the lesson here is that sometimes it’s quite possible to have too much good stuff at once.  (Ask Nic Cage in real life how having hordes of expensive things has worked out for him).  I learned that in 1996 from The Rock, but I finally experienced it for the first time today.

Saturday mornings are a groggy time for me, a combination of exhausting weekdays, late Friday nights, and early AM kickoffs.  But I always keep my Saturday mornings reserved for my Liverpool games.  Always.  Without fail.  It’s been difficult over the years and I often struggle to overcome the opportunities for infidelity; but, somehow I’ve always stayed faithful.

I never thought Fox Soccer Channel  would be the one to let me down.

Imagine my reaction when I learned at 7 AM today that the Liverpool-Wolves match would NOT be shown live.  Man City-Everton got the early game on ESPN and Stoke-Man United got the late game on FSC.  QPR-Villa is tomorrow and Norwich-Sunderland is Monday.  As for the midday Saturday games?  Arsenal-Bolton and Chelsea-Swansea got the nod.

I’m not sure who to blame for the Saturday cluster of games, but what I do know is that Fox Sports had a choice of who to screen.  Obviously I’m biased, but shouldn’t Liverpool and Man United be the first names in the FSC teamsheet?  Far and away the most successful and supported clubs in the Premiership; matches featuring the Northwest duo should never go unseen. (SIDEBAR: In keeping with my stubborn bias, I already wrote a fist-shaking email to Fox Sports about delaying the broadcast of the Liverpool game).

But the Premier League is changing.  2011/2012 isn’t 1987/1988.  Never before have so many viable contenders competed not only for the Premiership crown, but for media attention.  Remember when the “Big Four” was new and exciting?  Old news now.  I hate to say it, but we finally have too many good teams to try to watch.  The Premier League status quo is oversaturated with quality now.

United keep trucking along like a steamroller.  Chelsea are aging fast, but remain competitive with more cosmetic surgery than a Sex and the City set.  Arsenal are garbage, but still try to play sexy.  Liverpool are resurging, but  look like a kid trying to grow into big brother’s hand-me-downs.  Man City is like Lindsay Lohan 2/3 of the way through Mean Girls when she becomes the de facto leader of The Plastics and even makes me feel super intimidated.  Tottenham have precariously assembled a balanced squad of match-winners.

Have Seb Coates and Aaron Samuels Ever Been Photgraphed Together? No? Interesting...

For years, fans of the game prayed for Premiership parity.  Sure, I have too.  The nightmare of every fan of English football is to become as predictable as the 2-man boxing match called the Scottish Premier League (and not just for cholesterol reasons).  But be careful what you wish for, because it looks like we’re slowly getting our parity all right.  At the expense of being able to catch all your team’s matches live, of course.

*****

And now a few random Saturday thoughts:

…Frontrunners for EPL Player of the Season are David Silva and Wayne Rooney (in that order).  Silva has been luminescent and is at the heart of all good things for City.  All the strikers at City should be buying him lunch everyday.  Seriously, go watch Silva.  Then tell anyone who ever dares utter the phrase “too lightweight for the Prem” to get stuffed.  Rooney’s goal tally and United’s record automatically get him in the conversation too.

…Claudio Ranieri takes charge of Inter.  Nobody is better at finishing 2nd place than Ranieri, which will do fine for Inter this year, I guess… Serie A is so up for grabs this season, it’s not even funny.

…My top five Cage films you can take (kinda) seriously: (5) It Could Happen to You (4) Lord of War (3) Gone in 60 Seconds (2) Leaving Las Vegas (1) Honeymoon in Vegas.

…Taye Taiwo is a donkey.

…Chelsea’s plan to surround Torres with familiars is starting to pay dividends.  Meireles and Mata are setting the table for him nicely now.  I bet Chelsea get two more Torres support-men this January.  RIP Frank Lampard’s career.  He might want to start thinking about a move to Spurs soon if Modric goes.

…Javier Hernandez, Mr. Sophomore Slump is knocking at your front door.  Ms. Injury drove him over.

…Forget Andy Carroll and Sergio Aguero, I know who my favorite £35 million buy this year is:  Radamel Falcao.  6 goals in 4 matches for Atletico Madrid.

…My top five Cage films that are utterly ridiculous: (5) Con Air (4) Snake Eyes (3) The Rock (2) The Wicker Man (1) Face/Off.

…Leo Messi has obviously been the best player of the 2011 calendar year, but Luis Suarez will be on the shortlist come December.  He introduced himself to England with a bang last January, finishing the season with 4 goals and 5 assists in 13 games.  He led Uruguay to Copa America glory in the summer, winning the Golden Ball himself.  And he’s off to a great start with Liverpool this year with 4 goals and 3 assists in only 8 matches.  And he has the signature moments to back up his plaudits (breakdancing through United, impossible angle at Sunderland, etc.).

…Stoke City, best atmosphere in England.

….There are still four unbeaten teams in the Premier League: Man United (v Norwich, @ Liverpool, v City), Man City (@ Blackburn, v Villa, @ United), Newcastle (@ Wolves, v Spurs, v Wigan), and Aston Villa (@ QPR , v Wigan, @ City).  At the beginning of the season, what sort of odds could you have gotten on Newcastle United to be the last unbeaten team in the league?  Would you take that bet now?

…Speaking of bets, I’ll give you $100 if you can tell me who’s top of the table in La Liga right now.  Wrong.  Nope, wrong again.  The answer we were looking for is Real Betis.  Betis was the correct response.  Perfect record so far, and they have a game in hand still.

…My top five Cagings:  pretty much too explicit to be published…

*****

It’s you.  You’re the Rocketman.