Do you think Gerard Pique got jealous?

And does it well.  He’s the humanitarian that keeps on giving.  David James still must have nightmares.

Watching England take a bumbling victory against Slovenia at a Wembley friendly today, my mind immediately filed the match away with countless hours of other trial-and-error exhibition games.  Needless to say, my thoughts began to wander in a manner as predictable as Slovenia’s threats on goal.  (If they could head spot kicks, I’m sure you’d see Slovenian penalty takers on all fours).  I took a greater interest in Capello’s angry body language, the unfairness of benching Peter Crouch if only to his teammate sitting behind him, and David Beckham’s love affair with Wembley.  He should honestly just move in a là Quasimodo, and emerge from the rafters miraculously fit enough to play for Ingurland.

However, between my wanderings I did manage to spot just enough points of interest from the match being played.  Six of them, to be precise.  Rather than rant for pages, I’ll do my best Linda Richman from Coffee Talk (apologies if you’re unfamiliar with the classic SNL sketch).  So excuse me while I’m a little faklempt, talk amongst yourselves.  Here, I’ll even give you topics.  Discuss.

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I’ve never found this quite funny, but it always seems to crack the English up.  If you’ve been following the pre-season friendlies involving the top clubs this summer, the video might look familiar.

Manchester United have produced some entertaining scorelines on their Asian tour, but their performances have hardly been the dominant displays of champions.  After that, all the other top clubs’ matches have been even more dreadful.  Real Madrid and Liverpool have stuttered all summer to produce quality, Barcelona are only today beginning their warm up games, and the World Football Challenge has been a snooze fest.

I had the ‘pleasure’ of attending Chlesea’s 2-0 win over Inter at the Rose Bowl on Tuesday, and couldn’t have been any more underwhlemed.  This was the treat of two top clubs pitted against each other I’d been awaiting since May, Mourinho getting his chance to kill his old club.  But the only passion I witnessed was a couple nippy tackles, and the 81,000 fans eagerly awaiting the Mexican wave.

There was an undeniable feeling that both teams and managers were simply going through the motions.  Chelsea and Inter fielded typical friendly sides with hosts of unknowns getting their chances.  Chelsea were decisively stronger, albeit due to the depth of their squad rather than any meaningful desire by Ancelotti.  Mourinho played Cambiasso and Viera in the center, clearly limiting any bright ideas for the sporadic Inter attacks.  John Terry played well, as if it could be his last in a Blue shirt.  Ibrahimovic also sparked life into a dull affair upon his introduction with 15 minutes to go, which was definitely his last appearance in Inter colors.  Balotelli showed his youth, the clubs made a profit, and scores of vuvuzela’s blared in my ears all evening.  But what did I expect, this was only a friendly after all.

Few of the marquee pre-season matches live up to the hype, and it’s the fans who inevitably pay the price.  Perhaps clubs should only play against minnows they can humiliate by dozens of goals, a la Villarreal.  But then, how could the clubs sell shirts and the promoters peddle tickets?  Such has become the world of football.  Here’s hoping to some more thrilling pre-season friendlies in the final month before the start of the new season…