I’m not ashamed to proclaim my love for the movie The Rock.  It’s incredibly cheesy, predictable, and Cage-y– but that’s why it’s so great.  Every scene has a handful of quotes you can whip out with your buddies at inappropriate times.  (That’s actually a false statement, every time is appropriate for Caging, as it shall henceforth be known).  It follows in a fine, underappreciated tradition in film of  blatantly trumpeting a San Francisco setting.  (The very fact that you’re now associating The Rock with Dirty Harry and Bullit is probably more than enough praise).  Sean Connery slaps a ton of people, and I’m not talking about the open-handed kind he reserves for double X chromosomes (isn’t that technically gender equality?).

My only beef with The Rock is the ending.  Not only do Cage and Connery avert a terrorist attack and reclaim Alcatraz (uh, spoiler alert?), but Cage is able to cover Connery’s tracks without any resistance as he escapes into the free world…  To reunite with his never before seen daughter…  While Cage is able to become a father.  Whoa, that’s a lot of “happy ending“-ness right there.  But I could live with that.  What I can’t digest was how the producers decided that wasn’t enough, and gave us one more Easter Egg with Cage discovering who really killed JFK.

Stop. Wait.  Really?  Yup.  See, the lesson here is that sometimes it’s quite possible to have too much good stuff at once.  (Ask Nic Cage in real life how having hordes of expensive things has worked out for him).  I learned that in 1996 from The Rock, but I finally experienced it for the first time today.

Saturday mornings are a groggy time for me, a combination of exhausting weekdays, late Friday nights, and early AM kickoffs.  But I always keep my Saturday mornings reserved for my Liverpool games.  Always.  Without fail.  It’s been difficult over the years and I often struggle to overcome the opportunities for infidelity; but, somehow I’ve always stayed faithful.

I never thought Fox Soccer Channel  would be the one to let me down.

Imagine my reaction when I learned at 7 AM today that the Liverpool-Wolves match would NOT be shown live.  Man City-Everton got the early game on ESPN and Stoke-Man United got the late game on FSC.  QPR-Villa is tomorrow and Norwich-Sunderland is Monday.  As for the midday Saturday games?  Arsenal-Bolton and Chelsea-Swansea got the nod.

I’m not sure who to blame for the Saturday cluster of games, but what I do know is that Fox Sports had a choice of who to screen.  Obviously I’m biased, but shouldn’t Liverpool and Man United be the first names in the FSC teamsheet?  Far and away the most successful and supported clubs in the Premiership; matches featuring the Northwest duo should never go unseen. (SIDEBAR: In keeping with my stubborn bias, I already wrote a fist-shaking email to Fox Sports about delaying the broadcast of the Liverpool game).

But the Premier League is changing.  2011/2012 isn’t 1987/1988.  Never before have so many viable contenders competed not only for the Premiership crown, but for media attention.  Remember when the “Big Four” was new and exciting?  Old news now.  I hate to say it, but we finally have too many good teams to try to watch.  The Premier League status quo is oversaturated with quality now.

United keep trucking along like a steamroller.  Chelsea are aging fast, but remain competitive with more cosmetic surgery than a Sex and the City set.  Arsenal are garbage, but still try to play sexy.  Liverpool are resurging, but  look like a kid trying to grow into big brother’s hand-me-downs.  Man City is like Lindsay Lohan 2/3 of the way through Mean Girls when she becomes the de facto leader of The Plastics and even makes me feel super intimidated.  Tottenham have precariously assembled a balanced squad of match-winners.

Have Seb Coates and Aaron Samuels Ever Been Photgraphed Together? No? Interesting...

For years, fans of the game prayed for Premiership parity.  Sure, I have too.  The nightmare of every fan of English football is to become as predictable as the 2-man boxing match called the Scottish Premier League (and not just for cholesterol reasons).  But be careful what you wish for, because it looks like we’re slowly getting our parity all right.  At the expense of being able to catch all your team’s matches live, of course.

*****

And now a few random Saturday thoughts:

…Frontrunners for EPL Player of the Season are David Silva and Wayne Rooney (in that order).  Silva has been luminescent and is at the heart of all good things for City.  All the strikers at City should be buying him lunch everyday.  Seriously, go watch Silva.  Then tell anyone who ever dares utter the phrase “too lightweight for the Prem” to get stuffed.  Rooney’s goal tally and United’s record automatically get him in the conversation too.

…Claudio Ranieri takes charge of Inter.  Nobody is better at finishing 2nd place than Ranieri, which will do fine for Inter this year, I guess… Serie A is so up for grabs this season, it’s not even funny.

…My top five Cage films you can take (kinda) seriously: (5) It Could Happen to You (4) Lord of War (3) Gone in 60 Seconds (2) Leaving Las Vegas (1) Honeymoon in Vegas.

…Taye Taiwo is a donkey.

…Chelsea’s plan to surround Torres with familiars is starting to pay dividends.  Meireles and Mata are setting the table for him nicely now.  I bet Chelsea get two more Torres support-men this January.  RIP Frank Lampard’s career.  He might want to start thinking about a move to Spurs soon if Modric goes.

…Javier Hernandez, Mr. Sophomore Slump is knocking at your front door.  Ms. Injury drove him over.

…Forget Andy Carroll and Sergio Aguero, I know who my favorite £35 million buy this year is:  Radamel Falcao.  6 goals in 4 matches for Atletico Madrid.

…My top five Cage films that are utterly ridiculous: (5) Con Air (4) Snake Eyes (3) The Rock (2) The Wicker Man (1) Face/Off.

…Leo Messi has obviously been the best player of the 2011 calendar year, but Luis Suarez will be on the shortlist come December.  He introduced himself to England with a bang last January, finishing the season with 4 goals and 5 assists in 13 games.  He led Uruguay to Copa America glory in the summer, winning the Golden Ball himself.  And he’s off to a great start with Liverpool this year with 4 goals and 3 assists in only 8 matches.  And he has the signature moments to back up his plaudits (breakdancing through United, impossible angle at Sunderland, etc.).

…Stoke City, best atmosphere in England.

….There are still four unbeaten teams in the Premier League: Man United (v Norwich, @ Liverpool, v City), Man City (@ Blackburn, v Villa, @ United), Newcastle (@ Wolves, v Spurs, v Wigan), and Aston Villa (@ QPR , v Wigan, @ City).  At the beginning of the season, what sort of odds could you have gotten on Newcastle United to be the last unbeaten team in the league?  Would you take that bet now?

…Speaking of bets, I’ll give you $100 if you can tell me who’s top of the table in La Liga right now.  Wrong.  Nope, wrong again.  The answer we were looking for is Real Betis.  Betis was the correct response.  Perfect record so far, and they have a game in hand still.

…My top five Cagings:  pretty much too explicit to be published…

*****

It’s you.  You’re the Rocketman.

Fascinating 45-minute, 4-part special on what makes Ronaldo such a freak.  (No, not that kind).  The 2nd section is worth the price of admission alone.  Trust me, it’s like ESPN’s Sport Science on 10 bottles of Stella.

If I told you I was certain of the next “big thing” in football, was that something you’d be interested in?  What if I went further, and said he’s already an accomplished European international at the ripe age of 20?  That he’s playing for a club masquerading as a feeder club like it’s Halloween all day every damn day?  That he has a “power name” unmatched since the 1st coming of Ever Banega?

Ladies and gentleman, I give you Eden Hazard.

(TIMEOUT: Okay, I know the buildup I just chucked at you isn’t quite fair.  Check this out… I am a 28-year-old striker.  I’ve played for PSV, Ajax, Real Madrid, and Milan.  I have 28 goals in 46 CAPS for the Netherlands.  Who am I?  Klaas-Jan Huntelaar.   Easily the frontrunner for most-impressive-resumé-to-outhouse-player…ever.)

Just trust me on Hazard.  The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wastoids, dweebies, ****heads – they all adore him. They think he’s a righteous dude…  Better yet, trust your own eyes via the above video.  The kid just has it.

FUN FACT: In real life, Ed Rooney is a registered sex offender. What's that, you aren't surprised?

Hazard’s style bears a striking resemblance to that of a young Cristiano Ronaldo.  He’s got every trick in the book, loves to show off, and has that same lanky sort of running style where his legs hypnotize defenders– which is saying something, considering Hazard stands only 5 foot 8.  Position-wise, he’s that new winger/forward hybrid that’s been reinvented by Ronaldo, Messi, Suarez, and Sanchez (another player Hazard resembles a bit).  You throw him anywhere along the frontline and watch him drop bombs on your moms.

Once Hazard figures out that chicks dig goals more than fancy dribbling, he’ll be an absolute monster– just like Ronaldo.  In fact, let’s take a little statistical peek at where Hazard’s club career is at:

2008-2009:  35 appearances, 6 goals, 3 assists

2009-2010: 52 appearances, 10 goals, 9 assists

2010-2011: 52 appearances, 12 goals, 10 assists

Since Hazard had his breakout season (aged 17), he’s consistently proven himself to be a “10 goal-10 assist” attacker over the course of a full season.  At the very least, that’s worth £20-25m in today’s market.  And that’s (quite safely) the worst case scenario, if he never allows his style to mature into something more meaningful.  Considering he’s probably purchasable for around £30m this year, that wouldn’t be the worst return on your investment.  And since he’s so young, he could give you 10-10 for at least half a dozen years, or you could resell him for decent value.  (More on his future in a minute).

But what if he learned from the path of the Greasy One (never thought I’d say those words)?  What if a top manager molded him into a harbinger of pestilence and destruction?  Check this out, and tell me you don’t think the sky’s the limit.

Cristiano Ronaldo (age 17-20):

2003-2004: 40 appearances, 6 goals, 3 assists

2004-2005: 50 appearances, 9 goals, 4 assists

2005-2006: 47 appearances, 12 goals, 7 assists.

Hardly mind-blowing stats.  Achieving them for Manchester United in England is probably on par with Hazard’s slightly better numbers in the French league.  But here’s what happened when Ronaldo began a season at 20-years-old.  (Most recent 2 seasons with Real Madrid in Spain, but you knew that, huh).

2006-2007: 53 appearances, 23 goals, 19 assists

2007-2008: 49 appearances, 42 goals, 8 assists

2008-2009: 53 appearances, 26 goals, 9 assists

2009-2010: 35 appearances, 33 goals, 7 assists

2010-2011: 54 appearances, 53 goals, 14 assist

Holy Superfly.  Ronaldo’s statistical jump in 2006 would make Barry Bonds blush.  Perhaps even more impressive are his two seasons at Madrid after earning his massive contract.  Based on his personal life, it’d be easy to assume Ronaldo would mail it in once he had pockets guacamole.  But a 53 goal tally last season doesn’t just say otherwise, it screams it.

Come at me, bro!

So where does Eden Hazard go from here?  For the young Belgian, it’s clear his future isn’t at Lille.  It would be like Genghis Khan being too scared to ever leave Mongolia.  The following are the most likely destinations for our epic hero.

Arsenal:  Would’ve been the perfect fit.  Think about it.  A French-speaking manager with a penchant for giving major responsibility to young players.  A French-speaking ensemble of players that play attractive, attacking football.  Champions League opportunities and a major city to make his home… Perfect.  Only, two things have screwed it up.  First, Arsenal are already in serious danger of missing the top four this year (uh, duh).  More importantly, I can’t see how Lille would ever do business with Arsenal following the Park Chu-Young incident.  I mean, Arsenal “pulled the robbery” on Lille so hard, The Situation would’ve been proud.  Nice one, Wenger.

Man United:  Would be a solid, but potentially risky play for Hazard.  Learning from Ferguson (as Ronaldo did) could definitely transform him into the goal hawk he ought to be.  But Nani, Young, and Valencia aren’t exactly old geezers yet.  And Rooney and Hernandez are going nowhere.  Getting an extended run out would be a difficult prospect, and the last thing he needs is to stifle his development.

Chelsea:  Where good players go to die.  Kidding (or am I?).  Mata and Malouda should have the wings locked down, and you get the feeling Abramovich won’t give up on Torres so soon.  (And if he does, boy will Torres look sadder than Sad Keanu).  With Drogba, Anelka, and Lukaku in the picture too you get the same overcrowding issue he’d have at United.  There’s some risk there.

Man City:  Well, he’d be paid well.  And even with their talent, I could see Hazard slotting into the starting lineup right away.  Only problem isn’t the players in front of him, but those he’d find looking over his shoulders.  Who would Man City buy next?  That’d be his major concern.  Also, what assurances would he have with managerial continuity?  One day Mancini could disappear into the night, gone ’til November.  Hazard needs some stability in his career.

Tottenham:  Haha, sorry.  I just needed a laugh.

Liverpool:  Has all the right elements for him.  Hands-on, grooming manager in Dalglish.  A solid team, but one that is desperate for a player at his position.  The drawbacks at Liverpool are, of course, likely half the wages offered by the Big Wallet Clubs and still some uncertainty of Champions League football.  Also, there’s the Joe Cole effect.  Cole’s loan spell could butter Lille up to the Hazard deal if he plays like 2005 Joe Cole.  But it could cause seriously bad blood if he plays like uh, normal Joe Cole.

Barcelona:  No.  It just wouldn’t be fair for videogame purposes.  Besides, too many superstars already.  What position would he play, keeper?

Real Madrid:  Two Ronaldo’s could be a corrosive mixture.  Hey, I like chocolate and I like sushi, but sometimes you just gotta know when too much good stuff isn’t right.  Double Ronaldo’s?  What does it mean?!  Seriously, it would just be another impulse buy for Madrid.  I can’t see it happening.  It would make as much sense as the Red Hot Chili Peppers asking Kreayshawn to direct one of their music videos.

Any other Spanish team:  Would be one giant step sideways.  Maybe Malaga get indignant with their money and just throw it at him.  Who knows?  But it merely wouldn’t be progress for Hazard.  Actually, make that any other team in France, too.  Just delaying inevitable greatness.

AC Milan:  A surprisingly good fit.  Ibra is still the top dog in the center, who would link up very well with Hazard.  Pato would compete a little, but an aging Cassano would likely give way for Hazard.  The only drawback is the current culture at Milan.  Robinho might be the worst role model Hazard could have, and Ibra isn’t exactly known as the most industrious trainer himself.  It sure would be fun to watch Hazard in black and red though.  Never doubt what Galliani has up his ruffled sleeves.

Juventus:  Masters in under-performing.  It would take a Herculean display of improvement this season for Juve to enter the Hazard conversation.  The decline of Serie A isn’t doing them many favors, that’s for sure.  And who can take them seriously since Eljero Elia punked them by publicly announcing he was too good for them, then Juve signing him anyway.  They’re like the other girl who keeps telling herself “he’ll break up with her for me one day, as long as I keep making myself super available (read: easy) for him!”

Inter:  A bit of a Catch-22.  They’d probably only pursue Hazard if Sneijder left; but if Sneijder leaves, they’d officially become the most boring team in the world and lose their appeal to the Belgian.  If Inter really wanted to boost their entertainment value, shoot a reality show following ex-striker Eto’o in Siberia.  You could edit it for a weekly program to air immediately before Inter matches.  Make a drinking game out of it based on how many times he gets A) extorted by the mob B) racially abused C) legs broken by the mob.  (Actually, scrap that.  REAL reality television is just sad).   Anyway, my gut says Hazard ends up in the Premier League, so maybe I’ve just being biased against non-English clubs.   Chocolate and sushi, man.

"Sammy E. Does the Caspian Sea"

Bayern Munich:  Interesting choice, and really the only serious contender from Germany (sorry Dortmund).  He could probably come to dominate the entire league more quickly than he would in England or Spain, but the biggest test would come from his own teammates.  Robben and Ribery are hurricane-proof, and Muller only has the entire hopes of his country pinned on his back.  Hazard would have to become great to make it at Bayern, or else.

So there you have it.  Now watch Hazard go to Porto or some wack club and waste everyone’s time.  Like Neymar, Eden Hazard has the whole world at his feet.  He can be hotter than a baby in a parking lot in the valley, or he can simply atrophy.  Does he want to be Cristiano Ronaldo or Ricardo Quaresma?  See, you already had to jog your memory to recall that name.  Hope Hazard doesn’t become another Youtube prodigy long forgotten…