204 goals in 6 years with the Barca first team. (Yes, his latest strikes against Bilbao and Zaragoza are absent from the above vid).  Not bad for a 24-year-old punk.

Not to detract from All Things Lionel, but the Maradona parallels in the video are absurd.  Leading Argentina to a World Cup in 2014 will definitely force him in “that conversation” with the mopheaded one and Mr. Arantes do Nascimento.  Statistically, he’s there already.  Club career?  On point.  Frankly, I don’t have the time nor the energy to list all of his individual accomplishment (or Barcelona’s).  Watch the damn video; then realize it doesn’t show a single of his 84 assists, or innumerable flashes or sheer open-field brilliance.  Now you begin to understand.

Personally, Messi signifies something else for me.   Years from now when someone asks who was the most entertaining player I’ve ever seen, I’ll happily show a picture of Ronaldinho’s bucktooth grin.  The most intelligent?  Zizou.  Favorite?  Gerrard.  Classiest?  Maldini.  No, if Messi continues on his path he’ll simply be the best… ever.  Messi is on the verge of something Olympian; he’s inching ever closer to touching marks of perfection.  And he’s totally smashing my Vice City Theorem to dust!

The Vice City Theorem is as succinct as it is powerful.  Like a Cruyff turn, if you blink, you might miss it.  Ready?  It postulates:

Civilization peaked with Grand Theft Auto: Vice City; therefore, it’s impossible for anything occurring before or after its time to be superior.

There it is.  Years of acute analysis, patience, and nostalgia balled up into a hackey sack of cultural philosophy.  First released in October 2002, Vice City defined the gaming industry for approximately the next 3 years.  While the open world gameplay and indulgent style of GTA 3 made it a breakthrough, it didn’t ignite every male between ages 10-90 the way Vice City did.  Some combination of the soundtrack, the ridiculous storylines, and Lance Vance titillated gamers in a way that never grew boring or predictable.  Every Scarface fantasy (minus an emaciated Michelle Pfeiffer) came true with the Miami underworld at our fingertips .  Vice City was not only the game everyone wanted to play (certainly one of the greatest ever), but arguably the pinnacle of contemporary society.  Digest this.

In the Vice City Era we had: the capture of Saddam Hussein, the high water mark and beginning of the end for the stock market/housing bubble/job market/economy, the DC snipers (mental), the Homeland Security Act (ipso facto Jack Bauer), SARS, the completion of the Human Genome Project, Martha Stewart jailed for murder insider trading, the launch of 4chan, Schwarzenegger elected, waterboarding (come on), the Friends finale, the Malice at the Palace, Kim Jong-il going nuclear, and papal succession.  (Billy Joel would be proud).

More importantly, we witnessed: France get embarrassed in the 2002 World Cup, the Galacticos, R10, Greece winning Euro2004, the rise of Jose Mourinho, and the greatest comeback in sports history (see below).

And what have we gotten since the end of the Vice City Era?  Justin Bieber, Dubstep, Nyan Cat, Kardashians everywhere, increasingly bizarre Disney shows, Twilight, and Gary Neville as a pundit.  That’s about it.  Sure, we’ve got a Balotelli here or there, but for every Mario B. there were a dozen Higuitas or Jimmy Bullards in the Vice City Era.

Ugh.  This only sustains my belief that the world peaked some 8 years and everything has been in a steady free fall ever since.  All the data appears to confirm the validity of the Vice City Theorem.  Anecdotal and empirical evidence to the contrary always fell short.  Well, that was true until Leo Messi came along.  The record smasher, the whobanger, the mini mulleteer, the man with the golden left foot– made his debut for the Barcelona first team almost exactly 8 years ago.  (How’s that for irony, Alanis?).  And Messi has been getting closer to becoming “The Greatest” ever since, even better than Grand Theft Auto: Vice City; and he’s making the impossible… quite possible.

You be the judge!